The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
operation have a gay friend backfired
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
