I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
