Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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