I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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