dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
