Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize