I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
