YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
