I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
