I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
