Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize