Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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