Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
