im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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