remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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