I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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