this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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