If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
