Little spoons don't ask big questions
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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