yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
