the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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