i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize