I can text with my tongue
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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