Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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