I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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