I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
