i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
