Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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