So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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