I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
