porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
