I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
