So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
