i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize