The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
