we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
where are my eyebrows?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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