My sheets look like a crime scene.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
