he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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