Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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