and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
