is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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