I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
