wakey wakey hands off snakey
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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