its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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