First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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