i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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