***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
