Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
