The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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