I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
