I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
