No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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