Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
