I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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