I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize