Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
