Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
