how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
