dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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