I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
