I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
