im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I should be sponsored by Trojan
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We had to coat check the pizza.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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