Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
