i need an iv and a liver transplant
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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