just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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