and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
