I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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